I’m wide awake at 4 in the morning…that nap wasn’t such a good idea. But I’m sick so i’d rather sleep it off. I moved out and is living with Brittney for now. It’s sad because her family is willing to help and do more for me then my own “family”. This past month I’ve been in this funk, I’ve been depressed. I never actually thought i’d ever actually be in depression. I made someone a priority to me when I was only a option to them. Some girl that I trusted, disrespected me and went behind my back. Two of my good “friends” knowing everything, sat there lied to my face and allowed me to make a fool of myself. I had to quit my job. I lost a few fake friends that actually meant something to me. I felt like I lost everything within a couple of hours. It all came crashing down on me. Over the year i did everything to make this boy happy, literally. When he was out of state working who was there for him? Me. I didn’t see any of his friends there. They were actually talking shit. Who was there to defend him? Me. I stayed loyal to him the whole time. Everybody sat there and wondered why I did it? Why i put up with you? But nobody knew all the bullshit you were feeding me. And well these girls, I was nothing more than a true friend to them. My family well they don’t understand, all they do is make me feel like shit. Nothing is ever good enough. I could have a job, still wouldn’t be good enough. I could be in school, still wouldn’t be good enough. I could have a job and be in school at the same time, and it still wouldn’t be good enough. They always find something to bitch about. My mom is more of a friend then she is a mother. My dad is a deadbeat. My sisters well they’re bitches. My brother is the only one that has something going for him. I’m 17 not 18. I shouldn’t have to support myself. I should have parents for that. For the six months that i did have a job, that’s all I did was support myself. Nobody gave me a penny. And well still that wasn’t good enough. I’m still a fuck up. I haven’t had a job for a month? Hardly have i asked for money. It would be one thing if my parents had to pay for my car mishaps but i put the money up every single time. I understand that i’m even grateful to have a car, and believe me i am. I might not have a good way at showing it but I truly am thankful. I didn’t know that I could control what runs out in front of me? Maybe avoiding that raccoon and running myself into the ditch and killing myself is what would put you all at peace. None of them think twice about what they say. They can sit there calling me a stupid bitch or a slut but if i sat there and called you a fat bitch it’s the end of the world. All they do is tear people down, the world revolves around them. They never stop and think about what a person may be dealing with or going thru. Because at the end of the day they are all selfish and mommy and daddy will still pay and take care of you. Brittneys parents are willing to help me get into and pay for school, hearing that made me wanna cry because that should be my parents. I’m not there responsibility or priority. But in all reality my parents could care less. Sometimes I wish I would actually have a mother or father, a family like Brittneys, because if i did maybe i wouldn’t be where I am today. When I left all I could think about was my grandparents because they would be disgusted with what has happened to our “family”. If they were here things would be so different. They wouldn’t have let it get this far. I would truly do anything possible for my family, especially my sisters even though it’s not reciprocated. This should be the happiest time of my life I shouldn’t have to worry about any of this now. But with a family like mine I’m forced to.
Even when it feels like nothing’s going right anymore. Even when all I want to do is bury myself somewhere and run as far away as possible. Hell yeah it’s hard looking at the bright side of things. But it’s what keeps me going. It’s what helps me let go of my uncertainties and doubts. I know it’s difficult now. And it’s gonna get worse and worse. But in the midst of it all, I also believe it gets better… Eventually.